Cancer post 1

Having stage 4 (most likely uterine...results pending) cancer is about to become my whole personality for a while. Sorry about that! Or maybe not all that sorry?

When I worked at Trader Joe's 14ish years ago, I had a man tell me he found out his cancer was terminal when I asked him how he was. I remember wondering why he was shopping and why he would share information with the 24 year old kid on register. 

And then I was told I had cancer. I, of course, went food shopping. I could feel the earth sliding out from under me, and I wanted something normal. 

When the cashier asked me how I was, I wanted to blurt out that I had cancer, but I stopped myself, because it seemed unfair to unload all of that onto someone who literally just wanted to finish their shift and go home.

Throughout this whole process, I have been wishing I could just stop time. Just pause everything and breathe. Or sleep. Anything but think about the road that lies ahead. But life doesn't stop. I still have to eat food even though most days I feel slightly ill. I still have to shower (at least occasionally) and brush my teeth. I still have to get out of bed and put on clothes most days because I have things to do. 

People keep saying I'm strong and I've got this, but the truth is, these days I don't feel strong. I feel tired, sad, angry, uncomfortable and just a touch nauseated. I do not handle sickness well. I become a grumpy, weepy mess. I mean,  I've been known to lay in bed with a fever, whimpering just the *tiniest* bit! And while I do relish a good pity party, it is good to be reminded that I can do hard things. So thank-you to everyone who has told me I'm strong, or reminded me that I'm allowed to be sad or mad or tired. Or told me that you love me and offered me your support and strength. 

If you see me in the next little while, feel free to remind me of any of these! Feel free to ask about the cancer, but also tell me how you are! Or tell about the latest scientific discovery or bit of fun gossip because in spite of the fact that I would very much like to press pause, life continues on and it's good to remember that.