Saying goodbye

  Mostly this blog post is cathartic for me, just in case you want to stop reading.
As many people know from the copious amount of pictures posted on Facebook, I went out to Canada this summer to see my Grandma.  My mom's mom who I haven't seen since I was about 13 (18 years ago). 
 
This trip felt hard and important for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that I'm not sure I'll ever see her again.  What a strange thing to write.  I mean, you never really know what God's got planned until it's happening, but given that I went 18 years without seeing her, and her health is poor...I mean I can connect dots as well as anyone else.

There are a lot of qualities that I get from her.  I am a good story teller, I am independent, I enjoy the process of cooking, and I enjoy gardening.  We also could probably go head to head in a battle of wills, and I'm not entirely sure who would win.  Probably no one, because that's how battles of will usually end.
 
  Actually, we did go head to head this trip (a surprise to no one but me).  I was critical of her for trying to teach us one of her lessons instead of just getting to know us since (as I reminded her) we may not see each other again in this life.  She was critical of me for not listening to someone who has learned a lot more than I have.  

  When the argument finished my mom followed me as I stormed out with all the righteous indignation of a teenager.  I expected her to remind me that I needed to be kinder.  Instead she hugged me.

  Later that night my Grandma handed me a card saying that she was sorry.  This is something else we both do; write our hardest thoughts in letters because it's easier to communicate when you can't see faces.

  After this she made a point to say aloud all the things she loved about each of us. 


  The night we left, she was awake (as she often is...she's in a lot of pain these days).  When I hugged her, I tried to put all  the things racing through my head into that one hug.  How glad I was to have been there, how sad I was at having gone 18 years without seeing her, how I was sorry if I hurt her when we argued, how much I loved her, and how I hoped to see her again.

   As our caravan drove away, I kept my conversations light and just hovered over the surface of all the things I was feeling, but now that I'm back, and can unpack some of those things, I want to write down what I felt because I'm scared I'll forget to stop and remember.  So this is me, writing down what I want to remember.  Putting nostalgic-colored glasses on a visit that I'm glad I got. 
  


 
 
 

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