Cancer post 5

Having an illness that could be terminal does weird things to the mind. For example: I'm planning parts of my funeral. It's not something I wish for or even expect to happen soon, but the possibility is there. My mom asked me if this is me trying to control something when I have little control over my life right now and the answer to that is...Absolutely. 100%. 

But how do you process the thought that you might die? The thought of leaving behind my soft and broken body doesn't trouble me much. My day to day life is filled with discomfort or pain, but the thought of leaving all my people behind fills me with a sadness so deep it feels like an ocean. Will I be around to ask my nephew what his favorite dinosaur is in 10 years? Will I get to watch my niece find new and hilarious ways of thwarting authority when she's a teenager? I'm not sure. I hope I am around, but I can't magically heal myself. 

So right now, I trust my doctors and take my medicine. I try to memorize as many moments with the people I love as I can. And I plan parts of my funeral hoping that all that planning is done in vain.  

Comments

  1. Bonnie CowleyOctober 4, 2024 at 8:44 AM

    My dearest Carina. Being a (more than) half full person makes me grieve for you. I can not imagine being in a situation where I feel that "empty" and helpless. The very hardest thing I have had to learn in my life that I am not in control... to let go when one of my adult children is suffering from alcoholism or one of my granddaughters I love so much has mental or emotional problems that no matter how hard I try I cannot fix... To let the Lord handle all these things is so hard... even though I am sure He has a plan.
    I am delighted by the special time you do get to have with your nieces and nephews... this is so precious!
    I love you Carina! Please feel free to call, email or text any time!

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