Fantastic expectations

 

  I have a fantastic imagination (I should note here that the word fantastic isn't meant to be a synonym for "really good"...more like "unreal or based in fantasy").  As a child, I spent hours in my room imagining I was on adventures or had run away.  Once (okay...more than once), I cut the tip off of a feather, squeezed the ink out of a whole bunch of markers, and proceeded to write a few letters to my imaginary family in rudimentary cursive. 
 
  I have not lost this ability, and it can be useful.  Like I've mentioned before, I have to talk (or write) to process things, and sometimes I'll have imaginary conversations with people before I actually talk to them.  This helps me figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it (downside: I look a little crazy).  However, it isn't always a useful thing for me, and sometimes it's downright harmful.  But before I talk about my specific brand of imagination, I'm going to look at easy examples of what not to look for.

    Some of the romantic gestures in movies are clearly a bad idea.  Like kissing someone to make them shut up when they are angry.  Good on paper (kinda), but in real life, if I were having an argument with someone and they kissed me instead of listening, I would probably see red.  Or running through traffic (or an airport, or the snow or the rain etc.) to tell someone you love them.  Again, good on paper, but you could also just call/write/email/text/Snapchat/Facebook/Instagram/wait till you frickin see them next.  They don't disappear from the earth once they leave your general vicinity.  It's like romantic gestures forgot about object permanence. 

  But some ideas are a little more insidious for me.  For example, in so many tales of romance, the main characters end up together despite many red flags throughout their relationship.  In Pride and Prejudice, the main characters insult each other, argue frequently, but then they fall in love and realize that their combined social awkwardness and pride were getting in the way of being truly happy together.  Are there people who are shy and cover it up by insulting people and being argumentative? Of course! But they are generally an exception not the rule.  And because I love Jane Austen, I will say that this summary is not entirely fair.  They do have some genuinely sweet moments of honesty and kindness, but that's also my point...With so many people, we might get a glimpse at their better selves, but more often than not, we see shadows and are left with the distinct impression that there is more than meets the eye, but we might never get to see it, and maybe we're not meant to.

  Then of course there's the old "I'll change for you to make this work". The worst example of this is in the movie He's just not that into you. In it, one of the main characters gets married to his girlfriend even though he doesn't believe in marriage.  He does it because it's important to her.  Aww...sweet!  Except he is now doing something he doesn't believe is important. I mean, we do change for the people we love, but it can be a slow process full of setbacks. In real life, we are sold "as is".  Full of faults, defects, and missing parts. I'm not saying you have to love everything about a person.  We aren't supposed to do that.  I don't have to love that you keep raccoons as pets, but the question is can I live with it; can I love you in spite of your trash pandas?

These expectations don't just apply to romantic relationships either.  In many of these same narratives, there are friends who act as sounding boards and background characters in the protagonist’s life.  In reality, friendship takes two people who are willing to make another person a main character in their life.  When you choose to be friends with someone, you forfeit your right to be 100% selfish.

  I'd like to say I no longer do this.  I'd like to say I don't create unrealistic expectations for the people in my life anymore.  I'd like to say that I live in the moment without expecting people to behave the way my brain has imagined they will.  I'd like to say that, but I can't.  Sometimes I feel crushed under the weight of my expectations for myself as well as others, but when I remember to take a step back and try to see people for who they truly are, I am awed by the amazing people I'm fortunate enough to have in my life.