Cancer post 5
Having an illness that could be terminal does weird things to the mind. For example: I'm planning parts of my funeral. It's not something I wish for or even expect to happen soon, but the possibility is there. My mom asked me if this is me trying to control something when I have little control over my life right now and the answer to that is...Absolutely. 100%. But how do you process the thought that you might die? The thought of leaving behind my soft and broken body doesn't trouble me much. My day to day life is filled with discomfort or pain, but the thought of leaving all my people behind fills me with a sadness so deep it feels like an ocean. Will I be around to ask my nephew what his favorite dinosaur is in 10 years? Will I get to watch my niece find new and hilarious ways of thwarting authority when she's a teenager? I'm not sure. I hope I am around, but I can't magically heal myself. So right now, I trust my doctors and take my medicine. I try to memor